Aviation Humor
Santas Checkride
Nose Art
Naval
Communication (I know, but its funny.)
Santas Checkride
Santa
Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration
(FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.
In
preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The
examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the
landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and
balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally,
they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in. He fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then, the examiner
hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's
that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The
examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Merry Christmas
&
Happy Landings!
Nose art
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
==================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a Fokker,
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
==================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
==================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
=================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
=================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
===============
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
================
The German air controllers at
short-tempered lot. They not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without
any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between
Speedbird 206: "
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
=====================
While taxiing at
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I will always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt
(my back-seater)
and I were screaming across
as we entered
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests
ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout
for us?" There was a longer
than normal pause.... "
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
==================
In another famous SR-71 story,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go
up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
==================
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator
replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
You've all
heard of the Air Force's ultra-high security, super-secret base in
Well, late
one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a
Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the
aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The
pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base
just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI
background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the
next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't
a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending
the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such
a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next
day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two
people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you
want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was
last night!"
From Actual Military Squawk Sheets
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution: #2 Seepage normal. #1, #3, & #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem: The autopilot does not.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That is what they are there for.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Occasionally,
airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported.
"There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
After
landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the
plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
After a
particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced; "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."
From a
Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which
one you love more.
Weather at
our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your
seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."
Once on a
Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too,
so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."
"Should
the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
"As
you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."
"Last
one off the plane must clean it."
And from
the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight...!"
Heard on
Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Overheard
on an American Airlines flight into
Another
flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline
pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
down?"
After a
real crusher of a landing in
Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways.
This is
the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS,
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.